To all, a Merry Apocalypse

So NASA released a video entitled “Why the World Didn’t End Yesterday.” But if NASA is so confident, why did it release the film 10 days ahead of December 21, 2012? Deep down, even NASA isn’t so sure. It’s the same reason why not a single business establishment is giving away Mayan calendars for Christmas. Really, it’s time we discussed end-of-life issues.

Since time immemorial, people have always been interested in the end of the world as they know it. As far as has been scientifically proved, we’re the only species that is obsessed with death; all the others just try to avoid it without building fantastical paradigms of a life after this one.

But we love thinking about the end of the world because—admit it–it’s oddly comforting. Individually, we’re always wary of the Grim Reaper snatching us away from the rest of the living. But if we’re all going to die in one big cataclysm, well, that somehow seems okay. We’d be in it together.

It’s comforting that signs of impending doom are already everywhere, and I’m not talking about rising tides, mega-storms, tsunamis and earthquakes, which are natural phenomena. I’m talking about a series of extraordinary man-made events in which the mighty have begun to fall.

Philippine Congress passed the Reproductive Health bill despite some Catholic bishops’ prediction that we’d be deluged by an orgy of sins.  Well, sorry dear bishops, but an even more abject defeat for your influence awaits you.

When the world ends on December 21, the Vatican will eat humble pie. All these years we’ve been feverishly confessing our sins and asking for absolution when we should’ve been offering human sacrifices instead. Talk about choosing the wrong religion.

Which, by the way, is why Juan Manuel Marquez, most likely a Maya descendant, was able to KO Manny Pacquiao. Manny not only chose the wrong religion, but he also switched to another brand of the same. We have it on Mommy Dionisia’s authority.

That right hand punch that gave Manny a good night’s sleep also walloped our collective illusion that his feats were a national, not an individual, achievement and that boxing is the Filipino’s greatest contribution to human progress. It felt good while it lasted. But it’s as if asteroid 4179 Toutatis, which buzzed Earth from just seven million kilometers away, abruptly changed course and gave our national pride an uppercut.

But we’re not the only people who are seeing signs of the end. The European Union is on the verge of falling apart. The Middle East, site of the Garden of Eden and various biblical shenanigans of old is in flames. China is picking a fight with everyone not its own size. Starving North Korea has just launched an ICBM for world peace. Gangnam style is everywhere.

And for ultra-conservative Republicans in the U.S. of A.–I’m consoled that Filipino Americans who registered GOP are among them–doomsday already began last November 6, and it’s going to be one big scary end, the worst nightmare they could ever imagine.

First, if you remember, America brought black slaves to pick cotton. Then it brought in Latinos to pick fruit. Well, now these lowly folks are picking U.S. presidents. Horrors! And by 2043 minorities will be the majority in America—that is if we’re still around.

Unfortunately, while we huddle in solidarity as we await our common end, there are some people who will refuse to join us. Some antisocial, ruggedly individualistic, libertarian Ayn Ran fanatics will always just look out for themselves.

If you’re one of those selfish people, I have something that can help you live beyond December 21, 2012. I’m raffling tickets for seats in a UFO that will land in the Pic de Bugarach mountain in the French Pyrenees 0n December 21 and take a few lucky humans with them (1,000 pesos/raffle ticket; air fare to France not included). It will also enhance your penis size.