Martin the Apostle, Duterte’s funny man of destiny | Global News

Martin the Apostle, Duterte’s funny man of destiny

/ 01:19 AM October 11, 2016

I’d like to welcome Martin Andanar to the PDI family.

I guess this is what Malacanang means by the need for “creative imagination” in media coverage of President Duterte: Just let the president’s men do the talking.

Now, it’s certainly an unusual (and journalistically baffling) decision to give the spokesman of the most powerful man in the nation, now an internationally known proponent of Hitlerian public policy, so much editorial space in a major news outlet.


But these are unusual times.


That’s why I have been appointed by the newly created Committee for the Advancement of Creative Imagination and the Systematic Institutionalization of Rodrigo’s Aspirations, also known as CACI-SIRA, to serve as Digong’s spokesman’s spokesman.

Or more precisely, since I’m sure Andanar’s role as chief defender of the man who unleashed a bloodbath in the archipelago, can be full of frustrations, I’ll be his “anger translator,” a la Barack Obama’s Luther.

From now on, I’ll be explaining to PDI readers what the Punisher’s spokesman really is saying.

As Andanar himself says in thanking PDI, “Print is not my native medium. But then, I was not born a bureaucrat either. So here’s to the beauty of daring.”

Amen. We, members of CACI-SIRA, agree: Let’s be daring. Alalay kami sa iyo, p’re.

Let’s begin.


Andanar said: “Now I know how it feels when Destiny hits.”

Tindi talaga nang destiny mga pards.

“I did not plan to be here, to do the thousands of things I must do each day. I just wanted to help get the best man to the presidency, the man who would best relieve us of all the torments afflicting our society.”

Kala ninyo ba madaling magpasimuno ng patayan.

Kala ninyo ba simple lang magpatakbo ng kampanya para tepokin ang libu-libong adik sa loob lang ng ilang linggo. Bigat noon, mga chong.

Okay, okay, merong mga nasabit na mga inosente patin na yong mga paslit tulad ni Danica.

E mga pards naman, relieve naman ang mga torments afflicting sa bayan natin. Happy happy na. Happy Destiny.

“If we deserved the change we want, we should all put our shoulders to the wheel.

Change pards. Yan ang uso.

Dati papitik pitik lang ang salvaging. Biglang dating si Digong. Daluyong bagyo! Storm surge ng mga bangkay! Change mga pards. Change.

That is how President Duterte operates. … He invests so much trust in the people he works with, expecting them to exceed expectation. That is at once a source of pride and a personal nightmare.

May mga binabangungot daw diyan dahil sa mga bangkay na pinupulot gabi gabi sa Maynila at iba pang syudad. OA na yan ha.

I was awed by that investment of faith in my abilities. This must have been how those fishermen at Galilee felt when Jesus walked over and told them to follow him, to be fishers of men. Like the apostles, I obeyed.

Jesus Christ Superstar ang trip, mga chong. Oh, meron bang ganyan si Pope Francis. Me mga disipulo ba siyang sobra ang tindi ang paniniwala at pananalig?

At yong mga totoong fishermen diyan sa Scarborough Shoals, join na rin kayo. Wag na kayong makipagpatintero sa navy ng China dahil di na kayo makapag hanap buhay. Prends na natin ang Beijing sabi ni Digong.

This forum allows me to think aloud, which is a relief. Hopefully, it will allow me to be funny as well.

Hirap sa marami diyan, lalo na sa media, masyadong sinseryoso yong mga bukambibig ni Digong e.

Ala kayong sense of humor. Kulang kayo sa creative imagination.

Halimbawa noong sinabi daw niyang, “Mr. Obama, go to hell!” E hindi naman tama yon. Misquoted si Digong. Ang totoo iniimbita niya si Barack sa atin para masubukan ang sikat na tsibog dito sa atin. Ang talagang sinabi Tatay Digong, “Mr. Obama, try our Goto! It’s hella good!.”


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TAGS: CACI-SIRA, commentary, Committee for the Advancement of Creative Imagination and the Systematic Institutionalization of Rodrigo’s Aspirations, Martin Andanar, satire

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