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The Joy of Six

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The Joy of Six

/ 02:31 AM June 09, 2016

Many folks are irked that President-elect Duterte likes to use highly sexualized rhetoric. When he gets livid his libido does the talking, they complain.

He did rail at an absent reporter who had angered him: “Does your wife’s vagina smell? Do you want to answer that?” He also challenged Mar Roxas to a penis-size competition. During the campaign he defended his promiscuity by irascibly blurting out on national TV, “What do you want me to do with my thing, just rub it against a pillow?” He has also warned news media not to try to know him Biblically, to put it decently.

“Do we have to endure his X-rated outbursts for the next six years?” I’m often asked.

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I tell people to stay calm, in my capacity not just as a political analyst, but also as a psychotherapist. People can cope during the new president’s six-year term if they get to know him better. They should equip themselves with useful information on the coming period from my new book, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Six (But Were Afraid to Ask). Here are answers to some very common questions.

I feel helpless and inadequate when I see Duterte supporters go wild and talk like he can do no wrong? Am I becoming impotent?

You bet. You have a subliminal condition called premature speculation, a form of electile dysfunction common to people who didn’t vote for Mr. Duterte. You should learn to relax, take deep breaths and don’t get too anxious about his performance.

Why does “President-erect” Duterte like to talk trash, use expletives and off-color references? Will he really keep doing this for the next six years?

Please hold the snide remarks. This is a clinical discussion. Anyway, ever heard of “talk dirty to me” as a means of arousal? When a man “lets it all hang out” and talks like a down-to-earth letch-next-door, it can drive his partner–in Mr. Duterte’s case, his followers—into absolutely orgasmic fits of unconditional adulation. Try it. Forget taboos. Spice up your six life with “F–k you!” “Bitch!” “Pu–ngina nyong mga dilawan!” “Who’s yo daddy…” stuff like that, and you’ll start feeling powerful too, just like the next Duterte diehard. Throw in a death threat or two for maximum potency.

Duterte wolf-whistles at attractive women, which eggs on his entourage of leering machos, and then says it’s nothing sexual but a compliment. Will there be an epidemic of sexual harassment in the next six years?

It is a compliment, a gesture of appreciation for female pulchritude. In fact, when you see him with his girlfriend, go ahead, whistle at Honeylet like a drooling, huffing wolf. He’ll be extremely flattered, you’ll see. Ditto his burly bodyguards. Besides, catcalling is prohibited by ordinance only in a few places, like Davao City.

Will size matter in Congress? Isn’t it not how you rock the boat, but the motion of the legislation?

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Size does matter. Due to Mr. Duterte’s huuuge mandate, turncoats are flocking to him like groupies to a rock star, giving him engorged voting blocs in both houses. He’ll surely have his way with the lawmakers on the floor. It’s even useless to play safe by abstaining. Besides, only the bishops prescribe abstinence.

He boycotts the news media and will set up his own, attacks human rights advocates including those in the UN and tells critics to shut up. Isn’t that dictatorial?

Look, try very hard to understand our new president. He really just wants a free hand, to be left alone to have uninhibited, uninterrupted and unbridled six with the people.

But could six be abruptly cut short by a coup because of Duterte’s hot and heavy honeymoon with the Left?

You mean couptus interruptus? A highly unlikely chance. His rough and raw, domination-themed approach is very attractive to the military and the police who have a law-and-order fetish.

With his hard line on crime won’t we need to spend for more prisons for all the new inmates?

Penal enhancement is not necessary. The president will just implant a shoot-to-kill policy for serious crimes. And if journalists get rubbed out, well it’s their own fault for being sons of bitches. This will effectively curb criminality, media abuse and population growth all at the same time.

It’s not clear, however, if it also applies to plundering politicians. Not to the Marcoses, for sure. For less serious crimes he could bring back whips and chains. No high heels and leather masks. That may be too weird even for his taste.

What will his many conflicting positions do to policymaking? Like his ever- changing positions on China’s sea claims? What gives?

Our president-elect likes different positions, okay? Left, right, middle. In over his head is his current fave. He may be a man on a mission, but he’s not boringly missionary.

I did some background checking, Mr. Ciria-Cruz, and you’re no psychotherapist. A psycho maybe. You have no book either. You’re probably a balimbing who’s kissing ass by justifying Duterte’s inappropriate rhetoric and un-presidential behavior.

F–k you. Shut up!

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TAGS: Everything You Always Wanted to Kinow About Sex (Six) But Were Afraid to Ask, opinion, President Duterte six-year term, President-elect Rodrigo Duterte, presidential rhetoric Duterte, The Joy of Sex (Six), trash-talking Presient-elect of the Philippines
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