True or polls

Poe, Binay, Escudero biggest ‘losers’ in INQ.net poll – headline

The survey that INQUIRER.net conducted after the Iglesia Ni Cristo protests was eye-opening, but some naysayers question its accuracy.

“It only shows the opinions of a million or so who went to the website and answered the survey.”

That’s Peregrino Buqui speaking. He’s a jueteng kubrador of the first water, having collected bets for 50 years in a sprawling Manila neighborhood (which shall remain unnamed).

In the ‘60s the “self-educated” Mr. Buqui, a self-styled news junkie, used to sideline as a bokal of the Nacionalistas every election time. But now he’s just a full-time numbers guy.

“’Just?’ What do you mean ‘just’? Oy, my occupation also makes me an expert gatherer of public opinion – yes, my colleagues and I, in this booming industry all over the nation. We can feel the real pulse of the public.”

Mr. Buqui claims to know what’s going on in the kitchens and bedrooms at the grassroots. He boasts of being intimate with the sentiments of millions of aficionados who await the bounty that elections bring. You know, those who are often misinformed or ignorant about issues and vote on a whim or sell their suffrage.

“Yabang mo. But those so-called bobotantes that elitists like you look down on — they’re the ones who have been deciding who our elected officials will be since the end of World War II. But you don’t give them any respect. The INQUIRER.net survey doesn’t include their attitudes.”

I guess there’s something about personally extracting people’s few dispensable pesos day in day out while pricking their hopes for quick lucre. It gives operators like Mr. Buqui the chutzpah to claim familiarity with some of the mysterious workings of human nature.

“Pa-human nature ka pa diyan. Forget what you learned in school! Here, in my notebook, here are some of my findings. You won’t find them in your website’s so-called survey.”

Hoookay, let’s see.

• 65 percent think Vice President Jojo Binay is pro-poor because he doesn’t have “kutis mayaman”; two-thirds of those say it’s because Binay works selflessly under the sun, on a big farm he doesn’t even own.
• 56 percent are convinced space aliens would never abduct Mayor Rodrigo Duterte because he’s actually one of them.
• 62 percent expect that Mar Roxas, learning from his “Happy Anniversary” faux pas in Zamboanga, will instead greet Leytenos on the November 2 anniversary of Haiyan with “Many Happy Returns of the Day!”
• 90 percent want to be buried in Makati when they die because they’d like to work in City Hall .
• 60 percent of employees hired by Mayor Junjun Binay think typing is a province in China.

Enough. This is ridiculous. Next they’ll say Iglesia Ni Cristo is a trade association of cockpit bet collectors.

Mr. Buqui’s respondents must be intentionally giving stupid answers, just like American high schoolers who are fond of pranking poll takers. You’ve seen those shocking “poll results” that say 40 percent of American teenagers can’t find the U.S. on the world map.

Still, I wonder what the so-called bobotantes think about the Administration’s campaign against corruption, if they care at all. Do they like President Noynoy’s Straight Path?

“Well, here, my network’s word-of-mouth survey shows that our clients overwhelmingly support the Straight Path – 85 percent say it’s Good or Very good.”

Whew! Thank goodness. You know, I may be underestimating the bobotantes after all. I may have to apologize to Mr. Buqui.

“Uh, but, ehem, 90 percent of those who answered “Good or Very good” are under the impression that the Straight Path is a sexual orientation.”

What the ?!

“I just count it as I hear it.”

Okay, here’s the BIG question, Mr. Buqui. In your survey, who’s the leading presidential combination right now? Mar-Poe, Bin-Poe, Bin-Bong, Bong-Poe, Poe-Bong, Poe-Chiz, Chiz-Poe, who?

“I have it. Here–that leading team has a 99.99-percent favorability rating with a solid, nationwide, enthusiastic, unshakeable, passionate, determined, insistent and fanatical base of support.”

Don’t keep me in suspense. Who is it?

“AlDub. Only .01 percent checked ‘Eh, di wow!’ while the super-majority checked ‘Kilig pa more.’”

??!

“As for the biggest issue our country is facing the overwhelming majority checked ‘When will they ever meet?’”

But those lovebirds aren’t running for anything. They’re not even in politics.

“Not yet.”

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