Scientists studying ailing PH senator's miraculous recovery | Global News

Scientists studying ailing PH senator’s miraculous recovery

/ 11:09 PM January 29, 2016


BEFORE bail                                           AFTER bail


BIMINI, The Bahamas—Medical specialists based here are conducting extensive research and experiments on the case of an ailing Philippine senator who apparently sprang back to good health after being sprung from jail by that country’s Supreme Court.

Scientists at the Lilly & Putt Laboratories are amazed at the quick recovery of Senator Juan Ponce Enrile, who bounded from his sickbed in a detention center right into the Senate halls with no apparent difficulty.


Enrile was in jail facing corruption charges until a Supreme Court ruling freed him on bail on account of illness and old age.

“It seems to be a rare case of the even rarer Lazarus Syndrome of which medical science has yet to find a credible explanation,” stated Dr. Bill U. Leiter, director of research at Lilly & Putt.

Not only did Enrile make a grand entrance as a sprightly octogenarian, he even launched a highly publicized investigation into last year’s massacre of 44 police commandos, promising to unveil explosive “new evidence” of official culpability on the part of the current administration.

Although the evidence turned out to be a dud, scientists were left wondering whether supreme courts may now have an important though previously undetected curative role in the delivery of medical care.

“The syndrome is vaguely related to parthenogenesis, or the asexual reproduction in some animal forms,” observed Dr. Leiter. “In layman’s terms, pregnancy and birth with no sex involved.”

In Enrile’s case, he recovered quickly with no medication, surgery, physical therapy or rehab involved.

“Mr. Enrile’s system seems to have generated new cells to replace aging ones, making him instantly younger,” exclaimed Dr. Fay Handenfoote, a visiting geneticist from Amsterdam.


Dr. Handenfoote noticed that Enrile even lawyered in a Senate hearing for presidential candidate Jojo Binay, who is also facing corruption charges.

“If Vice President Binay becomes president and rewards him for his help by releasing him from jail with a presidential pardon, Senator Enrile may just find the fountain of youth—making him even healthier and younger. So young he may no longer need Viagra,” Dr. Handenfoote declared.

The Lilly & Putt’s research findings will be published in the Journal of Offshore Science and Medicine, N.A.

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TAGS: Mamasapano massacre, Philippine Supreme Court, political corruption Philippines, satire, Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile, Vice President Jojo Binay
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