Outtakes

Surprise quiz on Fat Lady, Vatileaks, Corona reforms

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Time for a surprise quiz on current events, boys and girls. Some readers often misread my satirical spin on the news and take them seriously. So let’s test your “news literacy.” Get a highlighter and mark parts that are factual and those that are fictional:

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Senator Alan Peter Cayetano, on voting to convict Renato Corona, declared, “If your client cannot explain, I cannot abstain. If you did not disclose, we have to depose. If you are not fit, you cannot sit as the C.J. of our Supreme Court.”

Hearing Cayetano’s reference to the O.J. Simpson trial, the ousted Corona promised “to catch the real non-discloser of the dollar accounts from my SALN.”

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Bishop Emeritus Teodoro Bacani said that priests’ boring homilies put people to sleep. More people now prefer to attend events of charismatic groups because of they have livelier singing and passionate preachers.

For a change, the bishop suggested that for livelier music, services should include mild Lady Gaga numbers like “Poker Face” to attract younger and more broadminded parishioners, not just ayatollish crusaders.

He also suggested that priests’ sermons should add passion by explaining what goes on in the bedroom, when Catholics shouldn’t be using contraceptives.

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The Pope’s butler was accused of being the culprit behind “Vatileaks,” in which confidential and potentially embarrassing correspondence between the Pope and his bishops were leaked to the press.

The butler is also the suspected leaker of the transcript of Manny Pacquiao’s conversation with God. He may have also leaked the still sealed transcript of God’s judgment on Renato Corona, who said before testifying, “I leave my fate to God.” Attorney Jose Roy is readying a defamation lawsuit against the Holy Trinity should it get published.

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Senator Miriam Santiago said that she was excluded from some senator-judges’ caucuses during the impeachment because “I may have lost my sex appeal.” Not really. Santiago was among the luminaries being considered for “Five Sexiest Obedience Trainers” by Bitch magazine, a monthly for show dog fanciers.

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The Fat Lady who sings to end really important events is the 310-pound German-Italian soprano Brunnhilde Mangiabene of the Munich State Opera. She became famous for ending a hotly fought World Series baseball game in 1978 with a soaring aria from Wagner’s “Gotterdammerung.”

Mangiabene told Der Spiegel she didn’t sing at the Corona trial because “I refuse to sing in that country. First it’s the trial of their chief judge, then it will be the lady president with a neck brace, then her husband with a helicopter business, then their toadies. I’ll never get out of there.”

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Corona’s lawyers said their client might hit the college lecture circuit. His tentative bookings include the University of the Philippines, where his lecture will be “Setting a New Standard of Transparency, Accountability, and Reform, Really.” At Ateneo Universtiy, it’s “How to Graduate at the Top of Your Class Without Anyone Noticing.” At University of Santo Tomas, I forget exactly, but it’s “blah, blah, blah…Without Really Trying.”

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The ousted Corona declared that he would continue “my fight for accountability and reform,” starting with the following:

In naming a Chief Justice—the President should make midnight appointments only. This constitutional amendment will eliminate any appearance of Machiavellian maneuvers, favoritism, and general hanky-panky.

To promote transparency, all income, assets, and interest-bearing instruments earned or owned by top government officials should be TAX-EXEMPT so no one will fear disclosing everything in the SALN. Needs congressional approval.

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Pope Benedict slammed American nuns for “espousing radical feminist ideas” and espousing the ordination of women. The Vatican also condemned Sister Margaret Farley’s “Just Love: A Framework for Christian Sexual Ethics,” a book on love and sexuality, as “harmful to the faithful.”

But the Vatican reserved its angriest tirade for priests who sexually abuse children—and church leaders who cover up their deeds–because they compromise the objectivity of doctrinal research that is still trying to determine whether paedophilia is a venial sin or a mortal one.

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If you’re not really sure which of the things described above are real, and which are the just made up by me, don’t worry.  You’re not dumb. For us, facts often ridiculously resemble fiction. When life imitates art, it’s more fun. It only hurts when you laugh.

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