What Imelda would tell Gadhafi: Don’t forget the wardrobe
SAN FRANCISCO—It certainly could happen. They were pretty close, after all. And years or maybe even just months from now, a recording or transcript of the phone call between Libya and Manila could surface.
And the conversation could very well go like this:
MOAMMAR: Hello, Meldy. It’s Moammar.
MELDY: Oh, dear. My dear Moammar. Oh my Momi.
MOAMMAR: (Sobs) It’s over, Meldy. It’s over.
MELDY: I know. I know, Momi. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. It hurts.
MOAMMAR: What should I do, Meldy? I don’t know what to do.
MELDY: Don’t panic. Just get out as quickly as you can. Find a place where you can stay for a decade or two. Hawaii is pretty nice.
MOAMMAR: I can’t go there, Meldy. The Americans hate me.
MELDY: Oh, that’s right. Hi hi hi. The Americans loved us. Ronnie Reagan even sent us a plane. But that stupid pilot misunderstood Ferdie. He wanted to go to Paoay. But then again, I’m glad that pilot misunderstood. Hi hi hi. So that’s one important tip, Momi: Write down where you want to go and make sure the pilot understands.
MOAMMAR: But no one’s going to send a plane. (Sobs) I’m lost, Meldy. Abandoned!
MELDY: There, there, Momi. I’m sure there’s a somewhere you can go. Have you talked to Kim? I hear Pyongyang’s nice, too.
MOAMMAR: Oh, how can you say that, Meldy. It’s so cold there. And that Kim’s even crazier than me.
MELDY: Good point. How about Pakistan? I hear there’s a nice mansion in Abbottabad that’s for sale at a really good price.
MOAMMAR: You’re kidding right?
MELDY: Uhmm. You’re right. Bad idea.
MOAMMAR: How about there?
MELDY: Where?
MOAMMAR: There in your country.
MELDY: Oh, my.
MOAMMAR: It would be a great idea, Melds. We’d be together again. You’ll finally be able to show me the City of Man. We can have lunch at the Manila Hotel. I’ve always wanted to see Boracay. We’d see a show at the CCP. By the way, that was pretty clever the way you inserted yourself into that Kulo controversy. (Laughs)
MELDY: You heard about that? (Laughs too.)
MOAMMAR: Oh, of course, my dear. Everything was falling apart all around me when I read about it. And you know what? It lifted my spirits, Meldy. I even told an aide: ‘Ah, that’s my Meldy. She and her husband jailed so many people, and just took over everything in that country—and here she is presenting herself as a champion of decency and religious rights.’ Now, that’s class!
MELDY: (Laughs) Ay, Momi, what can I say. I learned from masters: my dear Ferdie and, of course, you.
MOAMMAR: So what do you say—should I book a flight to Manila? There’ a good bargain on Expedia right now.
MELDY: Ahmm, yes, I’d love to have you here, Momi. But what would you do here? Where would you pitch your tent?
MOAMMAR: I hear Serendra’s nice. Or McKinley Hill, maybe?
MELDY: Hmm, not sure it’s a good idea, Momi. Maybe in a few years, when my Bongbong is already president.
MOAMMAR: But I can’t wait, Meldy. I’m trapped.
MELDY: Now, now, just relax. Don’t overreact. Everything will be fine.
MOAMMAR: What makes you think that?
MELDY: Well look at me. They kicked us out 25 years ago. But we’re back Momi, baby! Woot! Woot!
MOAMMAR: I know Meldy. I’m so proud of you. You think I can also make a comeback?
MELDY: Of course, my dear. Trust me. It won’t take long for the clowns who are about to kick you out to start messing up. Just look at the clowns who kicked us out! Ha! They’re all incompetent!
MOAMMAR: You’re so wise, Meldy.
MELDY: Just be patient. And get rid of all the incriminating stuff they might use against you in court. Did you get the shredder I sent you?
MOAMMAR: Oh, yes, Melds. Thanks.
MELDY: You’re welcome. And most important of all: Don’t forget to pack your wardrobe, including your shoes.
MOAMMAR: Yes, that’s what I’m doing now.
MELDY: Very good. Learn from what happened to me. Don’t let those classless, zero-taste bastards make fun of you the way they made fun of me. Just like me, your wardrobe is what makes you unique and special on the world stage!
MOAMMAR: Oh, what a nice thing to say, Meldy.
MELDY: And I mean it. No world leader can match your sophistication and class when it comes to fashion. I mean, that shiny purple robe with matching hat is just divine, my friend.
MOAMMAR: I know. That’s also one of my favorites.
MELDY: And your snazzy electric blue Michael Jackson outfit was just awesome, Momi!
MOAMMAR: O di ba!
MELDY: So make sure you bring all those with you, okay? Or else, they’ll put them on display in some cheap exhibit just to humiliate you. It would have been okay if the show was meant to highlight my commitment to beauty. But nooo. Anyway, remember that you’ll need that wardrobe for your return to power. I can just see it now, Momi!
MOAMMAR: And I’ll make sure you’ll be there at my side, Meldy.
MELDY: Why thank you, Momi. You’ve always been such a good friend.
MOAMMAR: Uh-oh. Gotta go now. They just blew up my last Humvee. Gotta use the camels now. I’ll call you again when I find a hiding place.
MELDY: Okay, you take care of yourself my friend. Ciao, Momi.
MOAMMAR: Ciao, Meldy.
END OF CALL.
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