Love, Eraptually

“Estrada volunteers to be Aquino’s love guru.”–INQUIRER.net

WHAT’S an ex-president like me doing as a love guru? Well, some say I am luckier in love than in politics. I was an unwilling prisoner because of politics, but I’m always a willing prisoner of love. I’m an expert in both. I even get them confused because love is like politics. It’s more interesting when it’s dirty.

Some say I’m macho, sexist, old style. It’s up to you. It’s only an each-each view–kanya-kanyang tingin. But the proof of the pudding is in my very good love life. So, if you’re head for the hills in love but you run into speed bumps, don’t yield or look for an exit. I can be your road shoulder to cry on. Welcome to my maiden column. Don’t continue reading if you’re goody-goody. My column may be maiden, but it’s no longer a virgin.

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Dear Kuya Erap: My love life is going nowhere. I’ve dated several women, but I have no one permanent. Every time I lose one of them I get more depressed. I’m thinking of giving up all hope of going to the altar. Should I just keep dating? Perhaps if I stop looking for a wife it’s better for the country. I can give the campaign against corruption my undivided attention.–Pres. B.A. III

Why are you complaining? Going from one woman to another is not bad. Forget Luisita and move on. (By the way, I’m with you against corruption, even though it’s weather-weather only.) Just keep dating because love is a hit or miss proposition. If you don’t hit on a Miss, you’ll never get a Mrs. Being unmarried while enjoying love is good, like jueteng. It’s more exciting because it’s illegal. The more women, the merrier, pare. I would love to be in your position in more ways than two–popular, young, and president. Mayor will do. If you still feel that seeing too many women is a problem, I can always lend you a hand. In fact, both hands.–Kuya Erap

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Dear Kuya Erap: I used to really love our nuns who serve the Almighty. But now they’re turning me off. They are no longer meek and obedient and they refuse to just stay in the convent to take care of churchly matters. Many have become radical feminists. They espouse causes like social justice and gender equality, instead of fighting homosexuality and contraception. They even want to be ordained as priests. What can I do to win them back from their earthly ways?–Pope B. XVI, Rome

I can sympathize with you, Pope B. We all have our women problems sometimes. I don’t want to argue with you because you can do no wrong, but perhaps you should take a different approach. Be more flexible. Instead of being turned off by nuns who are too independent, look at them as a big challenge. It’s more satisfying to go after strong women who fight back, unlike easy ones pare ko. Wow, it feels so good when you finally conquer them.–Kuya Erap

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Dear Kuya Erap: I’m an undecided American woman voter. I’ve secretly grown fonder of President Barack Obama. I’ve developed such a big crush that I was going to cheat on my Republican friends and vote for him this November. That was until the GOP campaign criticized him for eating dog meat when he was a little kid in Indonesia. Ewww! Am I right to dump him now for Mitt Romney because of that?– Annie Mellover, Boston

You pro-animal rights western women always see only the dog’s side of the issue. Dog meat makes a man’s blood hot. Accompanied by Johnny Walker Blue, Chateau Petrus, or even just Beer na Beer, it makes his love last longer. I know. Go ahead, choose a man who ate only corn flakes. It’s your loss. Hello, one unhappy lady coming up.–Kuya Erap

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Dear Kuya Erap: For it is written by my trainer Freddie Roach that I shall not sleep with my wife before a boxing match. But it is also written in the Book of Genesis that Onan disobeyed his father by spilling his seed on the ground. Do you think that’s a good alternative? –Manny P.

It has come to pass that none of the above is good for you before a fight. It will make you weak. And just to make it clear, sleeping with someone who is not your wife before a fight is also bad. So, do not, I repeat do not, ever fly with your friend Chavit in his private jet before a match. If you do any of these three things before your fight, Bradley will make you sleep with the canvas.–Kuya Erap

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Dear Kuya Erap: I am a young man who is now the Great, Glorious Leader of my People’s Republic. However, during a very important moment my equipment failed. My missile lost thrust. It went limp, wobbled and lost its trajectory. It did not reach its sweet, heavenly zenith. I am very ashamed. How do I rectify this malfunction? I do not want my country to lose face.–Kim Jong-U_, Pyongyang

Kim, don’t worry. It happens to every government, even strong ones. Sometimes the missile fails to reach its apogee. But it doesn’t mean you’re impotent against foreign threats. Me I always get Fuel Number One from Chinatown. But for a multistage, long-range arc with multiple entry and reentry capacity, you need a high-grade booster. Subscribe to Jane’s Defence Weekly. It has tantalizing photos of the newest, most beautiful models–Russian, German, American, French and now even Chinese ICBMs. I like it because of the interviews. The centerfold models are often tall, sleek, and marvelously equipped BAMBIs or ballistic missile boost intercepts. Choose a model that fits your defense budget. Since your country is atheist, you can join a “non-proliferation” treaty without getting in trouble with Catholic bishops. I hope you’ll have a missile that can stand erect, lift off powerfully, sustain its forward thrust and reach its sweet, out of this world, heavenly destination. Or Japan. –Kuya Erap

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Dear Kuya Erap: It’s me again. I forgot to chastise you for biblically knowing at least six women but being married to only one of them. You may be a love expert, but as a sheep in my flock you are guilty of polygamy. Repent!–Pope B. XVI, Rome

Si Pope naman. I biblically knew six women, true. But at least I married one of them, correct? And I didn’t marry all of them like a sinning Mormon, correct? And since I begat 12 kids between them, it means I went forth and multiplied and didn’t use artificial contraception, correct? So everything evens out in accordance with church teachings.–Kuya Erap