Gloria’s health: A critical diagnosis

SAN FRANCISCO—Good evening, folks. Welcome once again to ABS-CBN International’s “WHAT’S MY ILLNESS?” I’m your host, Telly Genio [APPLAUSE] .

Welcome, welcome to the show where we talk about the ailments of people who are better than us.  We invite experts to examine the diseases of the rich and famous.

Why? Well, so that in case you become a gazillionaire celebrity yourself, you’ll know how to take care of your health. Thanks to ….

[Studio Audience: “WHAT’S MY ILLNESS?!!” APPLAUSE]

Tonight’s guest is Dr. Phil Doras, who’s not only a medical doctor, but a doctor of political science as well. Wow! What an interesting and unique combination!

Doctor, welcome to the show. Tell us why merging your professions is very useful today.

“Well, these days when celebrities, like politicians, get in trouble—sex scandals or fiscal misdeeds or whatnot—they seek medical help. They all go to rehab.”

So someone like you, who can diagnose politico-medical problems in one go, is a highly sought-after specialist.

“Exactly.” [APPLAUSE]

Okay. Who’s the rich and famous celebrity we’re going to talk about tonight, Doc?

“Let’s take the case of former Philippines President Gloria Arroyo.”

Yes. Yes. We heard she’s trying to get medical treatment abroad for an ailment called hyperparathyroidism. Whooa, that’s a tongue-twister. Can you say that, boys and girls?

[Audience: “Hyper-para-thyroid-ism!!”–Applause]

Great. The Philippines’ ombudsman Leila de Lima says she doesn’t want to prejudge Mrs. Arroyo’s request to travel because she’s not a doctor. Well, here you are, Dr. Phil Doras. Perhaps you can help the Philippine government. What is this condition called hyper… [Audience chimes in: “Pa-ra-thyroid-ism!!”]?

“Let me explicalidate. The condition makes Mrs. Arroyo supercalifragile because excessive production of parathyroid hormone causes back pain, decreased height and depression. It also triggers the patient’s fight-or-flee instinct.”

Okay, I get that. But why hyper?

“It’s ‘hyper’ because it can be hyped up for political purposes, like to gain sympathy or as an excuse to get away.”

Wow. What an interesting medico-political diagnosis. Does Mrs. Arroyo have a long history of this disease?

“She was medico-politically sound when she replaced Pres. Estrada during People Power II, and she promised not to run for the office in the next election.”

And then what happened?

“Well, she caught candidiasis, a simple fungal infection whose symptoms include the disappearance of candor. It led to a related complication—candidatiasis, or the decision to break her promise and run after all.

“Candidatiasis triggered her latent dayabetes, or the desire to commit electoral fraud when challenged by a Poe-tent opponent. But her husband overcame electile dysfunction through Bayadgra™ and satisfied her urge. Unfortunately, instead of stopping the illness, her victory led to other serious problems.”

Like conjugalivitis?

“Precisely. Or the willingness  to go along with your spouse’s get-rich-in-office schemes. It’s also called matrimonionucleosis. Ferdinand Marcos had a similar condition. In fact, even though he’s dead, the virus is still very much around. She even holds office in Congress.”

How is Mrs. Arroyo going to recover from all of that, Doctor? How much longer can her political career survive?

“Wait. There’s more. [Audience: “WOOOOOOOOOOH!]

“She also contracted garci-enteritis, or loose phone conversations, which exposed her dayabetes. Unchecked, garci-enteritis exhausted her credibility, and she developed shemorrhoids—a pesky type of hemorrhoids that makes a woman president almost unable to continue sitting in office.”

The poor thing. Is there no end to her misfortunes? But I guess we must remind ourselves that her undoing was all her own doing.  Was that the worse of her ailments, Doc?

“Well, good thing there was no video of her suffering from garci-enteritis. Considering how the audiotape went viral, a video would’ve been fatal unless she underwent YouTubal ligation to prevent the reproduction of her embarrassment for all to see again and again.”

Boy, oh, boy. She’s really in a bit of a mess, isn’t she?

“Tsk, tsk. And now she also has wrecknasiya nervosa because of a sudden attack of delimatitis or intensive probing by the ombudsman into her dayabetes and matrimonionucleosis.

“Aggravating her nervousness is erapthematosus, or the efforts of the former President Estrada to exact revenge through sniping by his congressman-son.

“In addition, she’s not the only one with delimatitis. She has a number of co-accused defendants, victims of staff infection. This is risky for her because they may turn against her in hopes of curing their immunity deficiency disorder.”

Is there hope for her, Doctor?

“Well, the Supreme Court is already deSALNated or exempt from disclosing individual Statements of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth–so her allies are safe and can continue immunizing her from trouble for a while.”

And that’s it? There’s no other option for her?

“That’s about it, aside from making sure the public is super-aware that she’s suffering from hyperparathyroidism and may have to go abroad for treatment.”

Well, we sure can sympathize with anyone who’s ill, regardless of their fame and wealth. Isn’t that right, people? Shall we give Mrs. Arroyo a break because she’s terribly ill?

[Audience: “YESSS!” Applause]

“Uh, unfortunately, there’s a new complication.”

What’s that, Doc?

“She could be developing a case of sistersomiasis, or when a formerly estranged sister makes up with you, sees you recently, and then tells the public that you’re actually quite healthy. That could blow Mrs. Arroyo’s cover.”

Now that’s a problem.

“Yes. Rumors could spread that she’s just pretending to be seriously ill, thereby painfully hindering her moves—a condition called…”

Oh, wait, wait don’t tell me, Doc. Let me guess —rumorthoid arthritis!

“Correct. So now her only recourse is to go abroad on a medical tourism cruise to the United States, Singapore, Spain, Germany and Italy.”

Will she be able to find a cure here in the United States?

“Probably not. But she has to come here to take care of some business, you know, properties perhaps.”

Well, how about Singapore, Spain, Germany and Italy—do they have a cure?

“Who knows.  But what’s important is those countries don’t have extradition treaties with the Philippines.”

And why is that so important?

“To prevent the onset of subpoenamonia.”

Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight’s edition of “What’s My Illness.”  Besides, aides from San Francisco General’s Psychiatric Unit have arrived to take away our guest and bring him back to the ward. Thank you, Dr. Phil!

[APPLAUSE]

Tune in again next week when we dissect Philippines President Noynoy Aquino’s chain-smoking habit and how it endangers his country’s national security.

Our guest will be the Philippine Lung Center’s renowned cancer specialist, Dr. Nicotino Bopiz. Good night! And God bless. [APPLAUSE]