Hello, boys and girls. It’s Tito Digong. Are you being good? You better be good. It’s Christmas time. People are happy. You kids will be visiting and doing mano po with relatives. Change is coming!
There are many colored lights. Don’t you like going around to see the bright Christmas displays? I know I do. Big, happy crowds of people go around having a good time seeing them. Nice. It’s my favorite time of the year. Yours too? Let’s just hope there are no pickpockets in those yuletide crowds to spoil the holidays.
Because criminals like pickpockets have no place in our country except in jails, detention centers and, God forbid, funeral parlors. I tell them don’t come to my city of Davao, you will not survive, you will leave horizontally, are you feeling lucky, punk? Go ahead, make my day, something like that. Sonofa—gun! Sometimes I get so angry at criminals I’m not polite. Gosh darn it!
Oh, yes, Christmas.
Simbang Gabi is here again. I know it’s hard to wake up so early to go to church, right? But isn’t it nice to eat puto bumbong and bibingka with hot tea afterwards, in the dark, chilly morning in the churchyard? I hope there are no drug dealers hanging around. Boy, oh, boy drug dealers are the worst. The priest better give them their last rites when I get there. Goodness gracious!
Now, boys and girls, just make sure to be with your parents when the priest talks to you, okay? Never be alone. I already told the Pope and his bishops: What the freaking heck!! Watch your priests, please!! And golly gee, Pope, you messed up the traffic when you were here, Jesusmaryjoseph!
Christmas is the best time for the family to be together. It feels good to be with your loved ones celebrating the birth of dear Baby Jesus. You heard of course that I have two wives, and a couple of girlfriends too. I like playing Santa also. Grown up girls like to sit on my lap and kiss me. I kiss them back. It’s the season of sharing. You will excuse me for that, right? It’s like you can’t be happy with just one toy, right? Your daddy will understand what I mean. I have many families, so I can make more families happy.
And everyone wants a family especially on Christmas. You know, Bongbong Marcos came by. Feeling clingy ba. He wanted me to adopt him, even though he’s not a foundling. Like my beauteous rival.
I told him, “Please, get up off your knees. I’m sorry, but I already chose Alan Cayetano. And next time you visit me you don’t have to crawl on the floor like that, for heaven’s sake!”
You see, boys and girls, poor Bongbong was looking for a father figure this Christmas. He thinks I’m like his dead father. You know, Frosty the Snowman. The guy in the Tupperware in Ilocos. I liked him. But he was just not as good, or as likeable, as me.
Me, I can solve Manila’s traffic problem just in time for your middle class parents’ Christmas shopping pleasure next year, when I’m president. How? I just will. Hey, boys and girls, have you ever seen a traffic violator eat his driver’s license? Holy cow! It looks funny. And those who spit or urinate in the streets? Good heavens, I’ll give them soft drink straws. You’ll have the cleanest, healthiest country ever, peks man!
So my gift to you this Christmas is peace of mind, boys and girls. You won’t grow up in a crime-ridden, messy society when I’m president. I will also make the MRT run on time. Make it run, period.
You will see in MetroManila and all over the Philippines what I did in Davao City, where the people are contented, peaceful and good-looking (if I may say so).
That may mean making little shortcuts. I hate violent crimes, so I shoot those who commit them. If Lady Justice is not blind, I’ll poke her eyes out. You know when sometimes Daddy has to get his belt out when someone has been bad? It’s like that. For your own good.
I know your mommy and daddy will like that. Law and order. Quick results. So tell them go ahead and vote for me, will you? Because I’m what they’ve been wishing for all this time. They can’t help liking me. They just can’t.
Before I close, make sure you be good boys and girls. And if Santa Claus gives you something you don’t like, even if you were not bad, tell that asshole to see me.
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