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The thing that men don't realize when they hit a woman, it's...the face, the broken arm, the black eye, it's going to heal. That's not the problem. It's the scar inside.” –Rihanna
Rihanna is the latest celebrity who publicly spoke about her close and dark encounter with an abusive (in)famous partner, Chris Brown. After attending a party, one night, the couple had an argument in the car, which “got ugly.” He bit her, punched her in the eye and put her in a headlock until she had difficulty breathing. To Rihanna, Chris was not the person who said, “I love you”, to her. The man, in her words, “had no soul”.
A passer-by who saw her bloodied and screaming called up the police. Chris Brown is now on probation after being sentenced to imprisonment and community service. He later publicly apologized to her.
Reminiscing about that brutal episode in her life, Rihanna admitted having flashbacks and still feels the searing psychological pain that remains inside her, although the wounds have long healed.
In our shores, the partner of an influential Arroyo cabinet member, Chavit Singson, recently gave domestic violence a face. The picture of a bruised but beautiful woman was splashed in the newspapers and broad sheets nationwide. However, the victim chose to do what so many women still do, despite the law – she signed a waiver and dropped the case against Singson. That was the last time the public heard from her.
There is abuse in an intimate relationship when a partner dominates and controls the other. There is an appalling disregard of the human rights of the spouse or partner, most especially the right to be treated with dignity and respect. Unfortunately, men who treat women as chattels still lurk in the dark corners.
Abuse in intimate relationships comes in all forms – physical, psychological and economic. Physical abuse is prevalent. The threat to one’s safety is real. How women cope varies. Most suffer in silence. One victim chose to have one child after another because it was only when she was pregnant that the husband would lay off his hands from her. Tragically, when she could no longer endure the cruelty from the person who was supposed to protect her from harm, she decided to end her life of pain and suffering.
Psychological, emotional and sexual abuses are less obvious than physical violence, but it does not mean they are less damaging. The scars are deep and stay on for life. “In fact, these types of domestic abuse can be even more harmful because they are so often overlooked—even by the person being abused.” (www.helpguide.org). There are also men who are victims of spousal abuse, especially the emotional and verbal kind.
Economic abuse comes in when the partner controls the person through withholding of money or credit card or basic necessities, rigidly controlling the finances, making one account for every peso spent, or restricting the spouse through an allowance or prohibiting from earning a livelihood or sabotaging the work of the partner.
A lot of women do not leave the relationship because of financial dependency. Some stay on because of the children, not realizing that the kids are traumatized from the violence and abuse that are inflicted upon and by the persons they love best. Some, if not many of these children become abusers themselves, or suffering victims. The inter-generational cycle of abuse unfolds
At times, parents of the abused are part of the problem. They advise their daughter to stay on and suffer because that is her “fate”, because marriage is meant to be a union “for better or for worse” and of course, the children – “what will happen to them?”
It takes decades before some victims finally accept that they too deserve a better life – without the batterer. The realization hit a woman in her forties that “a door was open all along. I just had to make the step and pass through it.”
Any one is a potential victim. One out of three women are said to suffer from abuse in the various stages of their life.
According to lawyers Rowena Guanzon and Howard Calleja, “The data on violence against women and children is alarming. A World Bank 1993 study states that among women aged 15-44 worldwide, gender-based violence accounts for more death and ill-health than cancer, traffic injuries and malaria put together. Country-level studies of UNICEF (2000a) estimates that there are 20 to 50 percent of women who have experienced domestic violence, making it the most prevalent form of gender-based violence. The same is true in the Philippines, where battering is the most prevalent, and rape second.” There are at least 20 domestic violence cases reported in one day. It could be higher.
Republic Act 9262, Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Act of 2004 (Anti-VAWCA), is the law not against all men, but against men who treat women as goods and chattels. It provides protection to women victims of domestic violence.
Yet, despite the law, how many still choose to be trapped in an unhealthy relationship with a spouse or partner? How many still cling to the hope that the partner will mend his ways? How many victims of domestic violence will end up hospitalized or lifeless?
Raising gender sensitive children is the call of the hour. Parents have to show the way and lead by example. They must respect their partner’s uniqueness and, equally as important, respect their children’s as well. We need to raise our children to respect themselves and to follow the Golden Rule - treat other people as we would like to be so treated. We should help empower them, starting at the crucial “growing up” years.
It is sad that there are still mothers or fathers who do not allow their kids to speak up and speak out. Yet, despite the “scars of childhood,” parents want them to be creative, confident with tons of self-esteem and yes - be leaders in their field. Ironically, that is exactly the mindset of our public officers. Advocates, reformists, youth leaders and marginal sectors with divergent views are treated with utter disrespect and disregard of their human rights. Ug si Tony Oposa pasultion, “Tiraduron dayun”.
There will be lasting peace in this world if the values of respect and compassion are genetically imprinted in each one - if it is at all possible.
No more Rihannas and Chris Browns, and no more “scars inside”…
