Prison survival tips for Gloria


“Christmas in Jail for Arroyos Seen”— headline

SAN FRANCISCO—Oh, boy. While they must be deemed innocent until yadda, yadda, it doesn’t look good for former President Gloria Arroyo and her husband Mike. Both may be in the slammer by Christmas for allegedly committing massive election fraud in 2004 and 2007.

But Gloria is strong; she’ll do okay, perhaps even thrive in prison. Nonetheless, here are useful survival tips for her (and Mike as well) in case she does end up in the can. These are tested techniques that have long worked for convicted murderers and felons:

Assume that you are being listened to at all times. Most holding cells are bugged, and prison phones could be too. So, if Garci calls, just say a simple “Hi.” Remember, they had you at “Hello.”

Whatever you do, don’t get tattooed. You may not be able to get a job later in life. Also, you may be tempted to join a gang for security. Try not to be openly identified with any–like HGL (Happy Go Lucky Gang), BnG (Bahala Na) or BSL (Batang Samar Leyte). Ask if they accept secret members, or secret funding.

Be respectful and polite to guards and other prisoners. Do not say “Oy! Oy!” or order them around. Never give them a glacial stare. They’re not as diplomatic as U.S. embassy officials who ask about election cheating. And giving somebody the finger isn’t considered polite even in prison, so don’t if you can help it.

A shiv will be indispensable. It’s an improvised stabbing implement. Every convict has one, in case of riots, gang warfare, or just any prison fight. Your bodyguards won’t be imprisoned with you, so always take your shiv with you to the shower. To make a shiv: Before entering prison, hide a long nail flat in the heel of your shoe. After sharpening it on your cell pavement, hide it in a bar of soap, or under your slipper, or in your underwear’s waistband.

Do not talk about your case–or in your case, cases–with anyone. Your cellmate or anybody could later testify against you to get time off–like that turncoat Zaldy Ampatuan. Pretend everything’s cool with him. When you take out a contract, be really discreet. The people on Death Row may be able to help with finding pros for the job.

Workout regularly so you can bulk up. Big biceps and ripped torsos can scare away cons that may want to intimidate or enslave you or make you their “bitch.” This applies to Mike also. Do not gamble, even for cigarettes. You can make enemies if you win, or fall into debt if you lose. In which case, you could end up as somebody’s bitch. If you can’t avoid gambling, learn how to cheat. But that’s nothing new. So no sweat.

You can also be somebody’s bitch if you seek protection from someone stronger. This is risky. You can be lost in a bet or be used as payment for a debt, cigarettes, porn magazines, etc. and get passed around as everybody’s bitch. (Warning to Mike: They like plump inside.)

If you want to become a bosyo or trustee, be more sophisticated in rigging the vote. Don’t tape anything or keep any written records. A misstep could be fatal. A safer alternative is to see if the warden was your political appointee. That will help a lot. If you can’t set up a Gloria Support Committee outside, have the manicurist you appointed to the Pag-IBIG Housing Fund start a letter-writing drive to the warden supporting your appointment. Actually, your favorite bishops would be better campaigners—they have more moral authority. Once a bosyo, you can boss around offending prisoners by spitting out lines like, “What we have heah is th’ failyuh ta communicate!”

Learn how to write really teeny-tiny letters to loved ones in teeny-tiny pieces of paper or cigarette palara, which you will fold to one-inch size and smuggle outside to communicate with your bagmen. Learn how to write on the wall with your fingernail in the dark. You’ll need that to pass the time and keep your sanity in solitary, should you be unlucky enough to end up in the tank for giving the guard a glacial stare.

Again to maintain sanity, enrich your cultural life while inside. Join the dancing prisoners team. You could be a hit on YouTube. To fight boredom, train a mouse or a cockroach to do tricks. Or you could start taking care of bird nestlings and gain new fame as the Birdwoman of Bilibid.

Ask a relative to bake you a cake with a file or a length of hacksaw blade inside, in case you want to break out later. You’ll need to arrange for a helicopter to spirit you out of the prison yard. A used chopper will do. It doesn’t have to be brand-new. Also, see if the gardener you appointed as deputy to the Luneta Park administration can dig you a tunnel from the outside. You can also ask Jose Pidal’s E.C. de Luna Construction to do that if necessary.

Being in prison is like being in a jungle full of predators. It’s always better not to commit a crime so you can avoid imprisonment. In your case, however, it may already be too late. So here’s an original poem I wrote to cheer you up in advance of the holidays:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House

Not a solon was stirring, not even a louse.

Ate Glo was handcuffed by the bailiff with care,

In hopes that the warden soon would be there.

The First Couple waited all snug and well fed,

While visions of escape routes danced in their heads.

Then she smirked glacially with Mike on her lap,

Adding up the years in that long sheet of rap.

Five for election rigging, ten years for graft,

Ten and twenty more for who knows what.

But weep not, dear couple, time goes like a flash,

When you get out, you’ll still have plenty of cash.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

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  • Anonymous

    LOL…nice one Mr Rene Ciria-Cruz. :-)

    Indeed seeing the SAKDAL CORRUPT arroyo family in jail as soon as possible will
    be a glorious victory for the Filipino people, for the cause of Truth and Justice
    in the country.

    Seeing how the once mighty thieves who ruled with impunity and corrupted almost
    every government agency falling down by the will of the people and by the
    course of Justice will be absolutely glorious, sweet and historic.

    Let us just be on-guard against the recipient of sakdal corrupt gloria arroyo’s
    last acts of corruption and shamelessness in government – I’m talking about the
    infamous Supreme Court Chief “Midnight Appointee.”

    Surely as the sun will rise tomorrow the rotten cheat and thieves
    will go to the Supreme Court to give their collaborators led by Chief Midnight
    Appointee and that Plagiarist pirate the chance to do their thing and save
    their queen.

    If we can pull out all the rotten vines, branches and weeds and
    throw them all together in the fire that will be the best for the country and
    the people.

    • Maria Vaerewyck

      That is if Gloria and Mike will not beat the filing of cases before the fly for Germany and other countries. As you can read from odays news Belmonte gave his approval for Gloria to travel to Germany and other countries. If Gloria and Mike’s travel push trhu don’t expect them to comeback because they will not especially when there are already cases against being prepared. It will be bye bye and Mike and Gloria will be laughing their hearts out all the way to Europe. If this happen then once again, naonse na naman ang mga pinoy. Dapat wag silang payagang lumabas ng bansa kahit na sabihin pang for medical reason. Mababasa mo sa mga news ngayon na kinukondisyon na nila ang isipan ng taong bayan na kelangan ni Gloria ng medical treatment abroad dahil rare medical condition yun sakit niya at sa abroad lamang ito magagamot. Yeah right, samantalang noon nasa malacanang pa si Gloria lahat ng medical conditons nila ay sa St Luke lahat ginagamot, ngayon di na sila kayang gamutin ng St Luke’s dahil kelangan na kasi nilang tumakas. Wag palabasin ng bansa ang angkan ng mga Arroyo lalo na sina Gloria at Mike

  • Anonymous

    hahahaha…i like this..pero parang mas gusto ko si mike ang makulong kc sunod-sunuran lang nman si pandak dyan e at sa totoo lang, sa lahat ng inabutin kong naging president ke corrupt o manloloko, etong si ate glo ang nagpaganda ng probinsya namin kaya malungkot pa rin ako pag nakulong sya

  • Mesc

    Guess who’ll have the last laugh?  Dream on, dude. :)

  • Maximo Fabella

       I doubt we will able to imprison Gloria or the other Arroyos. The reason, our snail’s pace justice.
    We have not completely recovered the LOOT OF THE MARCOSES. Following that example it
    will take Phil justice another 30-40 years. Unless there comes an earier REVOLUTION. Which I doubt
    our problem has been the land reform (Hacienda Luisita), guarantee 3 square meals a day.
    Let us stop building condominiums we cannot afford. Give jobs, and self respect to the workers.
    Emancify our Universities, as the “educators” of the elite. I came from the University of Diliman.

  • Anonymous

    Lol! I like this poem. Brilliant. Sana mabilanggo talaga ang magpamilyang yan.

  • Anonymous

    The worse punishment while inside Munti is the spread of skin diseases that spread like wild fire. Most dreaded of them all is ‘Pigsa’ or boil which is an infection of the hair follicle. I saw one guy on tv who was covered with pigsa and wants somebody, anybody to shoot him and said he will thank him for it. Just imagine Mike and Glo covered with pigsa? I dunno. I hope not. But they should opt for that house in Tanay where Erap stayed during his tenure outside of office.

    • Anonymous

      i thought corikong ang prevalent skin disease afflicting the inmates..

      • Anonymous

        Kurikong is galis. Makati lang yon. Katialis ointment effective na. Pero minsan kumakalat yung pigsa sa buong Munti. Yung pigsa ay masakit kasi puno ng nana maski isa lang pero sa Munti buong katawan covered ng pigsa dahil sa cross- contamination ng inmates due to overcrowding. Mahirap humiga o umupo dahil na iipit yung pigsa. Even kurikong is also hard for manong Mike and Ate Glo
        inside Munti.

  • Anonymous

    I love that poem, nice twist! This was a hillariously funny article!
    My only concern, so far they seem to have always been able to squirm their way out. I am afraid they will be able to wiggle out again, somehow. They do have the brains, and of course the money! Lots of it!

  • ryan andres

    hahaha… winner ito!!!

    you forgot tip #7: Don’t Drop the Soap…

  • Anonymous

    what if the 2 are in jail at the same time which is likely to happen, are they entitled to conjugal visits?  d mga kabit ha

  • Anonymous

    Don’t forget Mikee Boy….

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